Despondent Days

Somedays I wonder why I'm even doing this at all. Audition after audition after audition and nothing to show for it. I used to count the number of auditions relative to the number of jobs I got as a result of them in order to determine my effectiveness. Then, I would evaluate my processes in order to define other ways in which I could try to improve my skills, set myself apart, become more unique, in a sense, and potentially acquire more work. I don't do that anymore. It sounds good and useful, but why bother? It only seems like they care about what one looks like. One needn't have any talent to speak of, but so long as the person looks like what the CD/director/ad agency/producer has in mind, that's all that matters. I mean, any issue with the actual acting or singing can be solved in post-production, right? Why should I continue to study acting? Or practice singing? Or rehearse?

It's hard to continuously be deluded and hopeful, believing that somewhere, somehow everything will work out as it should. Believing that there will be one step made one day that will help to alter the course of everything that has happened heretofore.

I'm becoming much more cynical and jaded, I think. I used to believe maintaining a positive outlook would help me get ahead in this crazy industry called entertainment. That being kind, professional, on-time, off-book and generous would garner me work. I'm not so sure of that anymore. Or of anything, really. Somedays I think, This is such crap. Crap, I tell you! Crap. There is no logic to the way in which anything happens and I do tire of being too pretty, too plain, too young-looking, too old-looking, too short or too red-headed for other people's visions. I really don't find any of those suitable excuses for why I haven't been hired.

I realize that this period is, as in all things, part of a greater cycle, and that I should remember these moments for times when I may need to call upon them again. I cannot deny that it's challenging, though.

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?


Diana said...

You've picked a tough industry for yourself, Alecia. I can't say I envy you...being constantly judged on how "right" your look is. But still, I say, stick with it. If it truly makes you happy, you'll find your way.

Alecia said...

Thanks for your kind words, Diana.